The last few years of my life have been...hectic, to say the least. Many thoughts, theories, knowledge and morals have changed, been added, been deleted and suffered. I lived a life far from God. Blinded by the temptations of the world. I lived to serve me. I was the center of all I did. It was always about me.
I grew up in a good christian home. I was always in church. I knew a lot about the bible and the stories about God and Jesus. I memorized bible verses, participated in church activities and went on trips. I wasn't a bad kid. Sure, I messed up every now and then, but we are not perfect. I obtained good christian morals growing up due to a great, committed and loving family. Most of my friends were kids from my church and most of them were like me. Looking back on it now, I can't say it was because I was serving God. I knew the stories and knew right from wrong, but it was more about just following the rules than serving my God. This sounds bad, but it's true. I had the knowledge but not the faith. Just as I knew 2+2=4. I could tell you but couldn't explain how or why.
As I grew up things started to change. I met people that weren't like me. They didn't go to church, know the stories and have the loving family and friends to help and guide them into making the right choices in their lives. They were lost. Some of them were good people. Some still had good morals. As times changed and the years went by more and more people entered my life, I started to see the extremes of both ends. I knew people that wanted to praise God and share what they knew. I also knew people that just wanted to do wrong all the time.
God works in mysterious ways. I heard that a lot. Of course, having no idea the power behind those words, I accepted that phrase. Just as 2+2=4. When I finally gave my life to Christ in high school, I was at a camp with my church. As most Christians know, when you go on a trip, be it a camp or a mission trip, you get pumped up and make commitments and feel on fire for God. You come home expecting to keep the fire going. But, like myself, we find that the world is the same when we return and our non-christian friends, and sometimes even our christian friends, help us slide back in to the same motions of sin and disobedience.
The past three years of my life have not been a Christ-like time. I knew it at the time and I saw myself slipping away from my relationship with Christ, but did nothing about it. I jumped on the bus and told the driver to floor it. The convictions I had became more frequent. I was loosing control of my life. I used every excuse I could to manipulate my mind into thinking all was well. This became a profession and a skill. I went to the parties, surrounded myself with those that would keep my mind off of my failing life for God and I did things I thought I would never do. During that time I had some very deep and wise conversations. I shared what I believed about God to a few people. I told others that I was a christian and I told them about Jesus. But with the life I was living and the empty words coming out of my mouth I knew that the conversation wasn't about me sharing God. It was about God trying to show me that I was messing up and He wanted me back. But with the sounds of the world that I surrounded myself with, I couldn't hear God calling to me. I was lost.
I hit a wall in my life that eventually put me on my knees, looking up and calling for God. So many times I wanted to think about the "what if" scenarios. What if I would have listened sooner? Why didn't I? I knew God could take away anything and everything. At first, I didn't know what to do. Before I fell on my face and cried out to God, I was in shock. I had nowhere to go and nobody to talk to. Humbleness, fear, humility, patience and love instantly became my life. It took a lot more than it should have to get me back on track. But looking back on everything all I see is a loving God bringing back his lost son. A shepherd leaving the flock to save the one lost sheep as it is mentioned in Matthew 18 and Luke 15.
God does work in mysterious ways. I can't fathom his love and his mercy. But I can put my faith in him. I can put my life in his hands. Though I am climbing the wall from the lowest of lows, I know my God will help me up. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun. But nobody said it would be. I am moving forward. I am letting God be the guide again.
